X- When we were here…

So, rabbit holes.

I tend to glom pretty hard onto things I like, so I've been down a few. I'm a fantasy writer. I build worlds for fun. I enjoy diving into the worlds other people create. Music, especially, is powerful for that.

I like a lot of different bands (as do we all?). “Like,” in my lexicon, means I enjoy their sound, have a handful of favorite songs, would stop and listen if they were playing at a festival I was already at, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to chase them down. They’re good. Thumbs up. Currently, some of my likes are Daughtry, Amaranthe, Stitched Up Heart, Kamelot, Red, Faun, Indica, Diablo Swing Orchestra, and Holding Absence. Hell, I actually like—cue affronted metalhead gasps—Taylor Swift. This category evolves frequently.

I’ve come to love a handful of bands over the years. These are groups whose music I actively follow, whose songs I’ve probably put into a variety of personal playlists. I’ve osmosis-absorbed the lyrics simply from listening to their songs on repeat. I probably know the lead singer’s and/or a few notable band members’ names. I’ll listen to a new single as soon as it drops. I probably have a shirt or two, likely acquired at a concert. If they play within reasonable driving distance, I’m going to want tickets. My love bands: Within Temptation, The Birthday Massacre, Epica, Eluveitie, Delain, Lacuna Coil, Linkin Park, AFI, Evanescence, Two Steps From Hell. This list grows maybe every year or so.

Then I have obsession music.

These are groups where I can name every song and album they’ve ever put out. I know the overarching narrative, if it exists. I go out of my way to memorize the lyrics. I know single band member’s name. I know exactly when their next album comes out. I buy concert tickets as soon as they go on sale, and I’m willing to go way out of my way to see them. (All the way to Poland, once.) I not only have merch, I have made merch. I’ve definitely made art of them and for them. I talk about them constantly and try to get other people into them. This is music that tangles through my entire creative self, my writing, my art; it shifts me on some fundamental level.

Obsession music has a high bar to clear. It’s not something I seek out; in fact, circumstance and the universe usually do the work of dropping obsession bands into my lap. Whatever genre or label it is (or isn’t, heh), it has to be exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. The lyrics have to sing and speak to something deep within me. The band itself has to have some edge, something different, something unexpected, something that pulls me into the group’s story. And, not gonna lie, it helps if my demisexual brain finds one or more of the members aesthetically pleasing to the eye and ear.

In middle school, it was Hanson. Fellow oldie fangirls, IYKYK. Looking back, I don’t remember if I liked Mmmbop straight away. I must have, a bit…but it was Middle of Nowhere as a whole that hooked me. I remember a summer, driving up to visit relatives in Georgia, where I listened to that album on repeat the whole way up. Those voices were burned into my veins. I was obsessed. I had posters on my walls, I had Tshirts. I still have my signed copy of MoN somewhere (I hope). I defended them to their detractors. I went to see them when they were so huge, their shows were selling out in minutes. Then they only got better as the years went on and they dropped out of the limelight, and I loved them even more for that.

While Hanson has diverged musically over the years from what I typically enjoy listening to, I do still keep up with them. I respect the hell out of them and how far they’ve come. I will never get tired of hearing them harmonize. They made me fall in love with music itself. I think I’d put them in the “love” category now, instead of obsession, but I’ll always think of them as my Oklahoma boys.

Fanson forever <3

Now, allow me to diverge briefly into Linkin Park, because I think they’re key to understanding how my taste shifted from boy band pop to metal. That’s kind of a big shift, you know? I can very distinctly remember the first time I heard a Linkin Park song: on a church mission trip, in the van, and the guy who put in Hybrid Theory knew what he was doing to all us goodie two-shoes.

I hated it instantly. Mostly for the screaming, partially because it was exactly the kind of obnoxious, edgy, rock-and-roll with questionable lyrics I was not allowed to listen to at home.

I also…liked it.

I liked the edge, the passion, the rhythm, the genre-bending deliciousness of rapping in a rock song. The flexibility of Chester’s voice was incredible. I “hated” them because I was supposed to, but as soon as I got to college…both Hybrid Theory and Meteora found their way into my CD case. They pushed me into edgier and edgier sounds. I…kinda liked it when my music knocked my teeth in.

Then Evanescence dropped onto the scene. Remember that? 2003. My boyfriend at the time sent me a copy of Bring Me To Life and said, “Hey, I think you’d like this group.” Oh, a pure, clean female vocal over growly guitars and pounding drums? I didn’t know I needed that. I became almost instantly obsessed. I was the Evanescence girl among my college friends. That lasted for 2 years, until I was in a car with some friends in DeLand. One turned to me, said, “If you like Evanescence, you will like this,” and put Century Child into her player.

I was all in even before the drop. The first 30 seconds of Bless the Child, flying with that magical choir and strings…and then drums and growly guitar and I, I didn’t know music was allowed to do that. I didn’t know I needed that combination of angelic and grit. I was transported. I kept telling people in the car to shut up so I could hear.

i was born amidst the purple waterfalls
i was weak, yet not unblessed
dead to the world
alive for the journey
one night i dreamt a white rose withering
a newborn drowning, a lifetime loneliness
i dreamt all my future, relived my past
and witnessed the beauty of the beast

Yes, I remember exactly who and where I was when I first heard Nightwish.

I was a quiet, casual fan for many years. I remember when Once came out. Nightwish’s music contained layers and nuance I wasn’t used to. Their songs didn’t always “click” right away for me. They took multiple listens. I loved them for that. I was also going through a weird, one-sided, unrequited crush situation at the time, which made songs like Wish I Had an Angel and Ghost Love Score hurt in all the right ways. I didn’t know any of their names except Tarja (and yes, I was pronouncing it wrong). Tuomas was “Jack Sparrow” and Marco was “the Viking guy”. I had a chance to see them in concert around that time, but had to skip it due to an art thing.

(I regret that, now. Damn, I could have seen Tarja live and didn’t take it.)

Because I was extremely busy getting married and having a baby in 2006, I managed to miss the Big Drama of Tarja’s exit. When Dark Passion Play came out, the gal on the cover looked different, and she definitely sounded different, and it was fine. I didn’t care. They still sounded amazing. I started writing more seriously around that time, and Tuomas’s poetry helped immensely with that.

They were my favorite band, tied with Hanson for the all-time position.

Cue 2011, Imaginaerum, and the band finally, finally making a tour stop in Orlando. I got tickets, and to prepare, I took a deep dive into the music in order to properly learn the lyrics. Going to see my favorite band, gotta be able to sing along, right? I started watching interviews with the band. I started drawing again. The music, the music, the music…

I fell hard. I thought I loved them before, but no.

Look at my face. I was meeting my gosh-darned idol for the first time. That concert branched me out into a slew of other symphonic metal acts I’d never heard of: Delain, Epica, Kamelot, who opened for NW that night and who were amazing. I became a metalhead.

I got it into my head to draw NW’s entire discography. (Holy heck, but my late 20-something self was ambitious). I inhabited those songs I drew, inside and out. I managed to get through two whole albums and a handful of other songs before other projects started crowding it out. It’s here. I’m proud of it, but if I’m being realistic, it’s not a thing I’ll likely come back to. (Unless Yesterwynd is fucking amazing, and frankly…well. We’ll see.)

In 2016, I was invited to Finland to be in a NW-themed art show…in Kitee, the band’s hometown. That was an experience. I’ve seen the house Tuomas grew up in. I’ve met his mentor. I’ve met his parents. I could write a whole book about that journey. (I actually did write a novella. It’s called The Samhain Bridge, and it’s in the SSP anthology Cozy-ish.) But…I really do think that trip brought me a bit back to earth, obsession-wise. Nightwish is a vehicle of spirit…but they’re also people who come from somewhere, like me, like all of us. I met so many other talented people on that journey, fellow fans who I actually got to know and became friends with. I felt…part of NW’s magic instead of idolizing it from the outside.

We were here. We are the Edema Ruh. We have followed the sirens’ call and found ourselves. I have stepped into what they’ve made me, and I am better for it.

I’m sort of relieved that the universe does not drop obsession music into my lap very often. It sinks its teeth into me hard. I get eaten up for years.

Ask me why I’m using biting metaphors.

Continued in the next part…